Most people agree that good friends make great girlfriends and boyfriends. You've even seen the wedding invitations that read "Today I Marry my Best Friend." Dating someone who has been a friend decreases the awkwardness of getting to know one another.
| "Trying to start a dating relationship with a friend can be like skating on thin ice." |
You already like and trust your friend and have a shared past, a context in which to create a new relationship. In dating a friend you aren't starting over but adding a new dimension to a relationship that you already value.
That said, trying to start a dating relationship with a friend can be like skating on thin ice. What if she considers you more like a brother than a lover? What is he doesn't want to risk losing your friendship and refuses you? Is it all worth it?
The last is a question that only you can answer. If you decide that you are ready to swallow your fears and ask your friend for a date, keep the following suggestions in mind:
Be Clear
"I'd, uh, kinda maybe like to take you out sometime."
My great friend John and I were having another one of our late-night conversation marathons when, in a moment of silence, he had nervously blurted out those words. He stared at me, waiting for a response.
ohn didn't realize that I'd had a crush on him for months. He was funny, cute, and easy to be with and I wanted nothing more than to be his girlfriend. His hesitant statement made me both elated and confused. What exactly was he saying? Was he asking me out? Or simply stating that he'd like to-- sometime. And what was that "maybe" part doing in there? What did he expect me to say?
| "We've been friends for a while now. I find you very attractive. I'd like to see our friendship move to a different level. Could I take you out for dinner on Saturday night?" |
John had good reason to be hesitant. He really liked me, but wasn't certain of my feelings for him. He didn't want to lose or change what had been a great friendship. However, by not being firm and clear in his communication greater confusion and uncertainty for both of us. It is important to say exactly what you mean, and mean what you say when asking your friend out. You even want to rehearse the gist of what you want to say several times in advance. (I'm not saying to memorize a prepared statement. Simply have a mental outline.) You may say something like, "Amy, we've been friends for a while now. I really appreciate our friendship. I find you so sweet, smart, and attractive. I 'd like to see our friendship become a dating relationship. Could I take you out for dinner on Saturday night?"
Be Prepared
Be prepared for your friend's reaction. Anticipate questions. Anticipate him or her asking you for time to consider. You may even want to offer it by saying something like, "I know this is a change/big step/something you may not have ever thought about. Feel free to take a few days to consider it." This will allow your friend to truly consider the effects dating may have on your relationship. It will prevent him/her from making a rash decision or sharing a gut reaction. It is also courtesy to your friend to whom the thought of dating may have never even occurred.
Luckily, my friend John was prepared for my reaction.
"What exactly do you mean?"
He had reasonable, thoughtful answers to my questions and offered me time to consider, which I gladly accepted. Even though
| "If all goes well, you may someday be picking out cheesy wedding invitations." |
What to Do if Your Offer is Rejected
Your offer may be refused. Remember that the date is being rejected and you. Resist the temptation to take it personally. Your friendship will be different afterwards, but so what? Your friendship is being changed and made different every day. It is called growth. Continue to value the qualities in your friend that attracted you to him/her in the first place. However, remember that you do not have any claim on that person other than a great friendship.
What to if Your Offer is Accepted
Plan a great date and, if all goes well, ask for another one! Again, expect that your friendship will change as the element of romance is added. Continue to communicate with one another and strengthen your friendship. That way, if you find in time that the romantic aspect isn't working out after all, a close friendship will remain. And if everything does work out, you may someday find yourself buying those cheesy wedding invitations.
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