Now that you've determined the reasons why you feel you must refuse your mate, consider the strength of those feelings. For example, are you vehemently opposed to having sex or merely unenthusiastic about the idea? Sometimes people find they are not "in the mood" but go along with their spouse anyway out of a spirit of love. They find themselves warming up to things within a few moments. Their mate's enthusiasm is contagious, and in the end they are glad that they deferred to his/her desires.

If you realize that you are angry with your spouse or not feeling very close emotionally, say something. Explain your feelings to your mate. Clear up those issues first, then decide whether or not to be intimate. (You may find once those problems have been solved that you really want to make love to your mate. Emotional closeness oftentimes leads to physical closeness and sex cements the restoration of your spouse.)

If you've evaluated your reasons and still feel you must refuse your spouse, do so gently. Remember that there will be times that you'll be on the receiving end of refusal rather than the giving end. Treating your spouse with empathy and gentleness will cushion the blow now and make them happy to return the favor in the future. Make certain your mate understands you are not rejecting him/her.

Express that physical intimacy with them is something you enjoy and look forward to, but at the moment it is not what you want. In other words, take a raincheck!

"I'm so sorry, honey, but I am really not feeling well right now. But I'd love to take a rain check."

Now doesn't that sound much better than the old, "Not tonight, honey, I've got a headache?!"